I cringe a little every time I ask someone how they are going and they reply “Not too bad”.
Really, what does that actually mean?
To me it feels a little deflating, like people are sitting on the fence of feeling good or feeling bad. It’s kind of a non-descript non-emotional, non-committal shade of grey. In my mind I see a person with slumped shoulders, no energy, lack of motivation like they are living in the space in between, in a void where things are just plain dull.
“Not too bad”. Where does that sit in between the levels of feeling crappola and awesome?
Tony Robbins espouses that your mind is literal, meaning it interprets what you say literally, and goes on to encourage people to “watch your language”. For example, if you are telling people you are “not too bad”, you are in fact confirming in your own mind that you are on the wrong side of feeling good. Whilst this might be true for you at the time it’s a wishy washy way of owning that you may have had better days.
As a person with a genuine interest in people hearing this, what do I do with it? How do I continue the conversation? Usually the words “that’s no good” automatically come out. Then time is up and we have to get about our busy days. No one gets any value from a conversation like that. The asker feels awkward and the responder doesn’t feel any better.
I understand that most of the time we don’t have time to stop and listen to people talk about how they are, especially in passing in the corridors at work or on your early morning walk before work, or dropping children to school.
We so often greet people with “Hi, How are you going?”in passing, without even stopping to hear the answer or even looking at them. It’s a kind of formality as we go with our busy lives that give the impression of a level of interest without having to commit. I recently took some time to take notice of when I do this. Earlier this year I was at the gym locked into my morning schedule and moving towards the door. I passed a lady that I genuinely love and said “Hi, how are you?” It wasn’t until I was about 3 metres past her that I realised that she was still talking. She was actually replying to my question! I stopped in my tracks and went back to hear her. Then I realised that I do this a lot, for example at the service station rushing to pay for the petrol, in passing as I quickly make a cup of tea in between meetings..
“Hi how are you?” Implies you are asking a question that requires an answer and that you are genuinely interested. To give any meaning to it this means you are required to stop and listen to the answer. Or you get the answer “Not too bad!”
Is it a good question to be asking at all?
A person I know who is prone to bouts of depression once said to me “Don’t ask me how I am, that’s the worst thing you can say to me. I feel crap and depressed, can’t you see that. The best thing you can do is say “It’s great to see you”. He said it made him feel like he mattered and he didn’t have to talk about how he was feeling. It actually helped him.
Maybe we could apply this instead of the everyday meaningless greeting “Hi, how are you?”. Say instead “It’s great to see you” or over the phone “It’s great to hear your voice”. This takes the pressure off both parties. Then if you have the time to give the person you can always follow up with more meaningful and probing questions about how they are feeling or what’s happening for them right now” AND more importantly genuinely hear the answers.
It’s been about 2 years since I had that conversation and I almost always say to people over the phone “It’s great to hear your voice” and it feels so much better for both of us. I can feel and hear the smile in the next sentence they say.
When someone I don’t know or who is an acquaintance that I don’t know well says to me “Hi, how are you” I am much more conscious about how I and answer and even answering at all! My common reply is “Good, thanks for asking” followed by a smile. If I really am feeling not that great, then it is “I have had better days, thanks for asking”, followed by a smile, or just acknowledge and smile.
Jennylee
Taylor is Conscious Living Coach and
Breathwork
Practitioner supporting and
empowering you to be great managers of your world through reducing stress and
overwhelm, and balancing life so you can enjoy loving relationships,
contentment now and financial security in your future.
Jennylee supports people to break through personal emotional and mindset
barriers so you can be the best you in the world and achieve your goals.
Would you like more info? Feel free to contact me for a chat